Time flies

January now. Whoever is reading this, I hope you are well. I am epic as usual. I miss the old internet a lot. I spent the evening looking at emails from 2011 seeing notifications from sites I used to browse and forums I was a part of. Very weird how a few hours ago those memories were dormant, and now I'm able to remember them so vividly. The internet and general culture as a whole feels so hostile. I yearn for simpler times. I guess partially I yearn for my childhood.

That yearning and the insane vibeshit (vibe shift but bad) worlds gone through has led to me feeling more cynical than ever, wanting to do nothing more than lay and stare at a wall and rot. Whatever escape I can have, I will take. Running and disassociating is not the answer, but man does it sound better than acknowledging where we currently are. I feel stuck. I'm learning every day but learning to ask for help and keep in touch with others is so difficult when you can barely get yourself out of your own ass. Everything feels monotonous. I have difficulty enjoying what I enjoy, and I know this feeling will pass, but it sure is taking its sweet time. 

I need to create, I need an outlet. This is in my mind reaching out to myself. I maintain and keep this site up as something for me, so in my mind this is the first step. I'm really struggling to find myself. I think about my problems, and they sound so pathetic in i know what to do if I were hearing these things from someone else the solution would to be easy to tell or see, the applications rough. If there were an omnipotent being watching us all, I bet they’d get a kick out of how many times I've had this same epiphany, do better, partially regress, repeat. That’s just life.

It gives me comfort in being able to recognize and somewhat be able to write out what i'm feeling. Regardless of how cynical i may feel at this moment, I have faith I can break out of it. Ultimately, I want to live and I will survive these feelings. there's a lot of work to do after all.

Random pics below. Will update soon.

wife bear curry

me, autistically mansplain poker hands 2 wife

blanket of my dads dog that is crazy