this one hurt really bad. dont want to write a lot about this but made me remember the first and only 'holiday' my dad and i went on. was the first time I remember seeing him cry and as a 8-9 year old was the first time seeing him as a person other than just being my father, spiraling trying and failing to understand what was going on. as i cried with him he pulled together and wouldnt say what was going on. as the day went on he acted as if nothing happened and we never spoke of it again but its something thats never left my mind.

i hurt so bad sometimes thinking about him. thinking about what hes been through how life has treated him so unfairly and it hurts so much. he deserved so much more and its terrible for me almost to " cast judgement " on him like who the fuck am i to put a worth on his past but like fuck he all be sacrificed to just be my dad and to provide. i often find myself thinking about him in another life and i Can only see him living better. I know hes happy but like fuck truly feel like he could have had such a better life with one piece removed. love that man so much and i really have a hard time articulating that to him and it deeply saddens me how much I do struggle telling him or being emotionally present for him. I feel as if im able to confide in others fine, just not him, and it drives me nuts. theres so much I want to say or tell him but when push comes to shove I cant breakdown to him

I think through all the shit hes been through and the fact hes still here, i look at him and just wish I could give more. he deserves so much more than what is. which is what I imagine was running in his head when he was crying on that trip idk wanting more to be able to provide better than what is.

Im so scared of losing him the one thing that breaks me more than thinking about my own mortality is thinking about his. always had a hard time with my own birthdays clicking in getting older has been been something that like gets to me since I was a child. seeing him get older .. seeing his beard get more gray seeing wrinkles that i dont remember seeing there before.. ect it all really fucks me up. im so fucking scared of losing him.

probably twas quite repetitious writing that not gonna edit it sorry if it sounds melodramatic but that movie made my brain fire in all the wrong ways, great movie though.

19 jun 23